it's so much nonsense , it's on my conscience

i feel like i'm loosing more then i've ever won and i'm ending up with none. I feel like my past is catching up with me and no matter how much i wish i did better in the past i can't change it.. it's starting to effect my future. I'm tired of feeling like i'm stuck, i'm tired of feeling like something is missing in my life, i'm tired of feeling like there's more out there for me then this atmosphere i'm in. I've always known i would "GET OUT' but not on these conditions.. i know your wondering wtf is this women talking about now? i'm planning on moving to tennessee in jan.. i've been complaining for more then half my life i've been in this earth about getting away from "my problems" and now i feel like i can stop complaining and actually make a difference cause i'm a young adult now and i have the abilities to do so now. I just wish the reasons why i want to move wasn't for those reasons. But i realized along time ago my family and my life isn't a nice story book so i just need to remove my self and move on. God put me here for a purpose and i'm going to make the best out of it no matter how hard it gets, all i can do is try. I didn't have a perfect child hood nor a perfect teen life and i'm not letting my adult hood get ruined either, I want so much for my self and maybe sometimes it might be to much, but i only live once and i truly want to make the most out of my life. I want to be someone even if it's not the most important person in the world, i just want to make it... i have to.. i see my family and all there struggles on both sides and i don't want that for my self.. it's starting to get real out here and i feel like i'm starting to break... but I AM A VERY STRONG WOMEN .. i get that from my grandmother . and i honestly think she's the reason i believe in my self.... i'm doing this for her.. i really am, i feel like everyone has always failed her and even though shes not here, she's in my heart and i'm not going to be another disappointment to her. i refuse ..not only do i want to do it for her.. i need to do it for my self .. i have to much potential not to.

The public.

More and more each day i realize how the world really is. I used to be so naive to how people can be, i used to always try and find the good in people reguardless of what they have done or will do. I realized i am a good person and people realize that and because of that i get taken advantage of, and yes i have no one to blame but my self. It's hard because that's my personality, i feel like i have to be there for someone , it makes me feel good helping people. Maybe because i know how it is to not have someone there, so i'm always willing to help. BUT LATELY enough is enough. People seem so needy lately and idk if its me and how my attitude has been ..but i've realized people are so damn rude..ignorant, and selfish. i hate only seeing the ugly in people ..it's depressing. I have 3 jobs now two that i've been working for a while and all my jobs deal with the public.. the people.. the customers. I understand that not everyone is going to be the nicest, but the way you treat people everyday can make a big difference. Like for example.. saying thank you, or please.. USE YOUR MANNERS. I get annoyed with people to the point i'm starting to hate the public...like hate HATE HATE HATE. There should be ways you treat people.. i wish people would stop and think hmmmm "idk what this person is going through.. they might not have control over certain situations so let me be polite and try and work this out because this problem is not the end of the world so i'm going to treat this person with respect just like they did me because they are human just like me." I feel as if i dont owe you anything and nor does anyone else owe me anything .. but respect should be given in any situation especially if your getting respected. I just feel as if i give soo much sometimes and i dont get anything back.. im trying to have control over it.. and i dont know if im doing the right thing but im starting to become more and more selfish everyday.