breathing out.

Interruption
Dear “what could have been”,
The ironic part about my situation was “your daddy knows you’re a flame “, By Sade was playing as I took my pants off and dropped them into the bin. As if it wasn’t hard enough. The scenery looked like an embalming room, it felt impossible to stay calm, and I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. The worst part was I wasn’t sure this was the right decision. The doctor came in, talked to me, which was all a blur. I put my legs up, laid back; he injected me with an anesthetic. My veins turned cold and I felt like I was in the clouds. But I only had one thing in mind and that was you. The needle went in, that’s when it became a reality. “Okay, all done”, the doctor took off his gloves and left.
All my morals went down the drain right along with what could have been, you: my child. I murdered a gift from God but I just wasn’t ready for that life time guarantee. Your father seemed like mister perfect at the time. He was my best friend and someone I trusted. One simple night can change your life, and the sad thing about it is it’s a forever kind of thing. Not something you could ever forget. Each night was like entering into hell for the first time. And where was your father? Well my best friend was probably somewhere in Washington, D.C, rolling a blunt and making a musical beat.
See I was on my own, all our laughs and smiles turned to cries and yells. Not only did I lose my self respect but I lost my best friend. Maybe because you caused me too much stress and made me appear bi- polar that I drove him away. He claimed his journey that turned into a settlement was for “you and I”, but to me I felt he fled to D.C because he was scared. Through everything I was going through, he didn’t even seem to be human anymore.
I hated you because you caused so much unnecessary chaos in my world. You were a foreign invader that I had to deport you. Then again I loved you because you were mine; you were a part of me, something to actually care for. You were the first to rob me of my peace and my sanity. Yes, you can say I’m a selfish person. If you can lay down with someone, you should be able to suffer the consequences. I wasn’t ready to suffer. I had my whole life ahead of me, and I wasn’t willing to “accidentally” give everything up that I wanted to become.
Maybe one day God will forgive me and He’ll bring you back to me when my life’s in place. But at the current time you interrupted at the wrong moment. Please don’t take it as if you were a mistake, I think of you as my life lessoned learned. Yes, I’ll take the blame for my irresponsibility. One thing about you is that I do not regret you like I used to. You’ve helped changed my life for the better. Because of you my angel, I am now a stronger person.
I apologize for the suffering I put you through while you were here. All the alcohol I tried to drown you in and the weed I inhaled to make it seem like you weren’t in existence. Cloud nine seemed to be a better place at the time. None of that hides the fact that you will forever be a part of me and I’ll never forget you my love lost.
Love Always,
“A lesson Learned”